3 & a half minutes of life

The first thing I notice is the taste in my mouth. This is something I never thought about. Something that never really crossed my mind, when playing this scene over and over in my mind throughout my lifetime.

Most of my thoughts I guess were always of post event scenarios or the actual moment it occurred, but never the minutes or so beforehand.

The adrenalin is something that I also never expected, it is such a buzz, such a searing feeling. I really cannot describe what it is like. I thought I had felt adrenalin before in my life, but I was totally wrong. Previous experiences were a mere rise in emotion or excitement, whereas this now is adrenalin, pure and unadulterated.

I clearly remember the process of getting to this point. Locating the pieces, assembling them, checking the equipment. Holding it and getting used to how it feels.
 
So here I am..... Ready....... Maybe.....

It all starts to play in front of me as I sit on the floor and ready myself for whatever comes now. Playing as a child, for some reason only the dark memories are visiting today, I can remember nothing that is good, even though i know there has been much that has been. Why does the mind work this way? Why does my mind work this way? Is it my mind that is dragging me to this conclusion or is it the conclusion dragging my thoughts to conform? Perhaps I will never know the answer to that one.

I am wearing a pair of jeans and nothing else, not even underwear beneath. My head is freshly shaven this morning and as usual I have not yet eaten anything today even though it's mid afternoon. Fairly usual for me. Food is such a chore, I eat really only when my body insists I do so, whenever I actually get that nauseating feeling in my stomach.

Currently I am not working. I'm taking a self imposed break between jobs. I have enough money saved to keep me for a few months, so I am reflecting on life and the direction (if any) I wish to take now. All of my friends have normal Monday to Friday 'day' jobs, so I am mostly currently spending the time alone, at least til evening anyhow. Today is no different.

How has life transported me to this exact moment in my life? I have no idea. I don't think I even really want to think about that or uncover the endless decisions that led me here. Here is where I am, and what I will face.

I'm not even sitting in my room. I'm on the floor of my flatmates room. The only reason I am here is because the items I need are located here. They shouldn't be but they are. I had to assemble it and hunt down a few parts, but that took only a few minutes. Some people hide things in the most obvious places.

My teen years roll across the movie screen of my conscious now and again I see nothing I really enjoyed much. Friends long since faded away into the reality of a life far from me, school classes i hated, and dark moments that i cannot forget and that are all too similar to this moment right now.

What will happen after this. Who cares. Whatever happens next is better than what has happened up until now. Perhaps I will meet new people, maybe a totally different outlook on everything, maybe a totally different perspective. I can only hope.

I start to see images of my recent years drift through my visual senses - loves lost and faded, dreams crushed or fallen to the wayside, and a future too boring to contemplate. The metallic taste in my mouth yanks me back to my current situation. I look down towards my lap where my hands hold the recently assembled and loaded rifle, bolt cocked, bullets scattered on the floor, my thumb poised on the trigger. Less than 3mm seperates me from this physical world and whatever comes next.

The adrenalin is amazing....................