Asleep or awake

I am my own envy to be something that i won't even like once i achieve it.

The scattered remains of an idea that seemed worthy, even essential can linger in the back of my mind forever. Occassionally I will revist the idea only to dismiss it once again - a cycle of perpetuating sadness or loss, or more likely just the path life is taking.

Will i remember that i shouldn't gaze out the window contemplating nothing, yet thinking of everything? Just like lying awake at night, eternally tired, yet unable to sleep, unable to stop the thoughts that invade and surround, condemning me to another night of stolen naps, instead of a proper nights rest.

Why does the world seem so large, yet so small and fragile that my thoughts cannot escape me? They can only wallow and surround the mess of consciousness that i call being awake.

Staring into the mirror, reflecting into my soul, so many empty promises, the feeling of getting older. Green eyes, cat scratch, facial stubble.

Today may be the first day of what I am really looking for, or yet another meandering backwards steps towards a goal that gets further away every second.

I can light a flame of guidence to pull me through. Write my little affirmations down, but really it wont serve any purpose other than to remind me yet again that i have lost what I am searching for altogether. I'm never really sure of what i want, or where i want to do it, or with whom i want to share the experience. Plans fall apart quicker than i can even remember how they began.

The sun sets on another tiny chapter, the day is over - the night is here. Awake i will lay staring at the ceiling, dreaming of anything more than this reality.