Asleep or awake

I am my own envy to be something that i won't even like once i achieve it.

The scattered remains of an idea that seemed worthy, even essential can linger in the back of my mind forever. Occassionally I will revist the idea only to dismiss it once again - a cycle of perpetuating sadness or loss, or more likely just the path life is taking.

Will i remember that i shouldn't gaze out the window contemplating nothing, yet thinking of everything? Just like lying awake at night, eternally tired, yet unable to sleep, unable to stop the thoughts that invade and surround, condemning me to another night of stolen naps, instead of a proper nights rest.

Why does the world seem so large, yet so small and fragile that my thoughts cannot escape me? They can only wallow and surround the mess of consciousness that i call being awake.

Staring into the mirror, reflecting into my soul, so many empty promises, the feeling of getting older. Green eyes, cat scratch, facial stubble.

Today may be the first day of what I am really looking for, or yet another meandering backwards steps towards a goal that gets further away every second.

I can light a flame of guidence to pull me through. Write my little affirmations down, but really it wont serve any purpose other than to remind me yet again that i have lost what I am searching for altogether. I'm never really sure of what i want, or where i want to do it, or with whom i want to share the experience. Plans fall apart quicker than i can even remember how they began.

The sun sets on another tiny chapter, the day is over - the night is here. Awake i will lay staring at the ceiling, dreaming of anything more than this reality.

Rain into water into life

Sitting on the doorstep I allow myself to drift into the droplets one by one, feeling almost at ease with everything. Nature creates a swirling sound that dances around my mind, floating in and out of active consciousness. Is this what it is like to be one with everything?

I watch the tiny droplets smashing into the ground, not in an aggressive or debilitating way, but purely in the magical way nature has evolved.

Water forms little streams that flow every which way. Minute beads of water, remnants of the larger drops that have fallen from the sky, start to dance along the surface of the streams.

The sound is soothing, almost dream like, the aroma encompasses new senses altogether. The sky is awash in white grey sheets of motion, drifting effortlessly overhead and showering our world in the beauty that is rain.

I love all that rain brings. The texture, the dampness, the sound, the splashes and the smell. For me it brings a sense of contentment and a state of total relaxation - a chance to dream - a chance to reflect, not even focusing on anything in particular. Rain has the uncanny ability to make me feel happy.

Today it is raining, so today I feel alive and content with the world.

The droplets continue to bounce from the windows, slowly making their way down the glass panes. Branches on trees, leaves heavy with water, droop towards the ground taking in all that is on offer.

The earth is alive and drinking from the sky. It is beautiful to absorb .