Asleep or awake

I am my own envy to be something that i won't even like once i achieve it.

The scattered remains of an idea that seemed worthy, even essential can linger in the back of my mind forever. Occassionally I will revist the idea only to dismiss it once again - a cycle of perpetuating sadness or loss, or more likely just the path life is taking.

Will i remember that i shouldn't gaze out the window contemplating nothing, yet thinking of everything? Just like lying awake at night, eternally tired, yet unable to sleep, unable to stop the thoughts that invade and surround, condemning me to another night of stolen naps, instead of a proper nights rest.

Why does the world seem so large, yet so small and fragile that my thoughts cannot escape me? They can only wallow and surround the mess of consciousness that i call being awake.

Staring into the mirror, reflecting into my soul, so many empty promises, the feeling of getting older. Green eyes, cat scratch, facial stubble.

Today may be the first day of what I am really looking for, or yet another meandering backwards steps towards a goal that gets further away every second.

I can light a flame of guidence to pull me through. Write my little affirmations down, but really it wont serve any purpose other than to remind me yet again that i have lost what I am searching for altogether. I'm never really sure of what i want, or where i want to do it, or with whom i want to share the experience. Plans fall apart quicker than i can even remember how they began.

The sun sets on another tiny chapter, the day is over - the night is here. Awake i will lay staring at the ceiling, dreaming of anything more than this reality.

Rain into water into life

Sitting on the doorstep I allow myself to drift into the droplets one by one, feeling almost at ease with everything. Nature creates a swirling sound that dances around my mind, floating in and out of active consciousness. Is this what it is like to be one with everything?

I watch the tiny droplets smashing into the ground, not in an aggressive or debilitating way, but purely in the magical way nature has evolved.

Water forms little streams that flow every which way. Minute beads of water, remnants of the larger drops that have fallen from the sky, start to dance along the surface of the streams.

The sound is soothing, almost dream like, the aroma encompasses new senses altogether. The sky is awash in white grey sheets of motion, drifting effortlessly overhead and showering our world in the beauty that is rain.

I love all that rain brings. The texture, the dampness, the sound, the splashes and the smell. For me it brings a sense of contentment and a state of total relaxation - a chance to dream - a chance to reflect, not even focusing on anything in particular. Rain has the uncanny ability to make me feel happy.

Today it is raining, so today I feel alive and content with the world.

The droplets continue to bounce from the windows, slowly making their way down the glass panes. Branches on trees, leaves heavy with water, droop towards the ground taking in all that is on offer.

The earth is alive and drinking from the sky. It is beautiful to absorb .

My Grandmother: Jean 1924 - 2005

My Grandmother passed away this week at age 80. She was a beautifully caring and gentle person.

Even though I am not religious in the sense of believing in God and Jesus, my Nan was highly religious and believed strongly and ultimately in her faith with God and Jesus. She never once tried to talk any of my family into this faith, but was always there to talk about it if we wanted.

I am putting Psalm 23 - The Lord is my Shepherd here for my Nan, Jean - it was her favourite part of the bible.

May your new spiritual existence be everything you wanted it to be Nan.

Psalm 23
The LORD Is My Shepherd
A Psalm of David.

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
he leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul:
he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: for thou art with me;
thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:
thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

The Food Court

Here I am in the all too familiar surrounds of a shopping mall food court. I have already done my duty at one of the many food stalls that surround the seating area.

I am in the eastern suburbs of Sydney at a newly built shopping complex, so the food stalls on offer are quite fashionable and include several coffee and cake stalls, a vegetarian food stall, a trendy up market grill, a crepe stall, and an Indian food stall amongst others.

I am happy to find that there are no large chain fast food stalls in sight. This is very pleasing news. I also note that none of the stalls have large overhead picture menus. All rely on either direct viewing of the food on offer through glass-fronted counters or simple printed text menus standing on the counter tops. This seems to give this particular food court a more inviting and less garish look and feel.

The seating here is also quite different to the usual set up in these venues. There are several styles of seating and tables on offer, from simple modern cube style seating at small round tables, through to square tables with four seats, benches and even some armchair style seating.

Something I notice is that with the exception of the bench seats scattered about, all other seating and tables are not fixed. I also notice that planting and lighting walls vaguely divide this particular food court into smaller sections.
All of these things seem to give it a rather appealing and almost intimate feel as opposed to the usual fixed seat and table open plan arrangement of the more common food courts.

One that remains the same is the sound. It has the unmistakable mixture of cutlery, plates, children, teenagers, and shopping centre music all combining to give that all too familiar food court soundtrack.

Glancing around the food court, I notice the usual blend of patronage here enjoying a mid afternoon snack. Luckily for me, it's past lunchtime and not yet time for dinner to start. I am sitting here enjoying a Soymilk latte and a wedge of caramel cheesecake, whilst casually taking in the whole scene.

There is quite a good view form the floor to ceiling windows that overlook Bellevue Hill and Woollahra. Again this is something that is far from common in a shopping mall food court. Usually they are windowless and all lighting comes from harsh overhead fluorescent tubing, whilst this food court enjoys the luxury of mostly natural daylight streaming in through the windows enhanced with some soft warmer bulb style down lights.

Another common site in food courts are the cleaning trolleys that are regularly wheeled past by staff that patrol the area by maneuvering their way back and forth, plucking abandoned plates, cups and utensils from the tables of recent diners. I must admit though that the staff here are doing an excellent job of keeping the entire eating area clean and thus inviting to be in.

Browsing around I see a women, probably in her mid fifties and wearing very typical summer clothing for her age bracket. A lime green short-sleeved blouse and matching pants made from what appears at this distance to be linen. She is currently browsing the stalls deciding what may be to her liking for this mid Tuesday afternoon break.

So far she has passed up on the Indian, crepes, vegetarian, and the grill and she now stands looking at the fresh options that the sandwich stall has to offer.
This is now likely to bring a very common site in the food court. So many options, so close to each other often leads to an almost mental breakdown of the senses for the potential diner as they contemplate, then re-contemplate the options that are bombarding them.

So often a potential diner will wonder back and forth unable to decide just what it is that they want. It appears that the woman in green is having this experience right now.

This process is a much more physical one than the similar process that goes on in a restaurant or cafe. When in a cafe or restaurant, the confused potential diner uses their eyes to browse the menu for the options on offer, and if dining with another person, then perhaps also their voice to decide just what it is that they feel like eating and drinking.

Here in the food court it is a totally different approach altogether.

It usually starts with a quick 'lap' of the seated area on a quick reconnaissance mission of the food available. A second lap will then focus in on the most desired of all the food options on offer. Another odd characteristic of the food court is that you often have to order separate items from different food stalls. Perhaps a sandwich from one stall, a freshly blended juice from another, and possibly even a coffee from a third stall altogether.

This all takes time.

After lining up perhaps three times at separate stalls, going through the process of waiting, ordering, paying and sorting change each time, you finally have what it is that you have chosen and can now proceed to locate somewhere to sit and eat.

This in itself brings another whole new complication to the dining experience. If you came with another person, it is highly likely that you became separated during the food selection process above. This usually means that the person who acquires all of their chosen delicacies first, will notice their friend (or friends) still in line at one of the stalls and proceed to find adequate seating for the party they came with.

If you are this person (or if you are alone in your dining experience) then there is now a whole new set of options and decisions that you need to make. What sort of seats? What size table? Should you sit near the windows? Near the edge or towards the middle?

You also need to consider the neighbors that will be dining near you. If you are adults with no children in your party, then you will likely want to avoid areas that have screaming children, although this can be near impossible in a crowded food court. It can also be wise to be as far as possible away from any loud food processing machines, like coffee grinders, and also to be away from the central cleaning stations. These are the areas that the cleaning carts return to periodically, following one of their swoops of the eating area, to unload all of their dirty items and dispose of rubbish and food scraps. So you may find yourself engulfed with the rather unpleasant aroma of Asian food, mixed with Indian food, mixed with stale coffee, kebab remnants, fruit salad, yoghurt, and any other food combination you can possibly imagine. This is not a pleasant dining experience and this area needs to be avoided at all costs.

Other areas to avoid include thoroughfares or areas just below balconies or stair railings. Children (and perhaps even adults) leaning over these railings and noticing your fully loaded plates and cups right below them may just not be able to resist the temptation to add something to your meal or drink in one way or another when you aren't paying attention.

If you manage to avoid all of these areas, you may be able to locate a spot that you can relax in and enjoy your meal, snack or beverage.

If on the other hand you find your companion not still in one of the food stall queues, you now have to try and locate them somewhere in all of this chaos as it is likely they have already chosen a seat and table.

Now you need to stand at the edge of the seating area, visually scanning the tables for your friends. They may in fact be frantically waving their arm trying to get your attention, but most likely you will not notice this with all the movement and noise going on.

Your food will start to get cold and you will start to realise that perhaps getting a quick bite to eat in the food court, rather than 'going to the trouble' of eating at a cafe, may in fact have been the wrong decision as it is now thirty-five minutes since you first entered the food area and here you are with a tray in your hands, your coffee going cold, your sandwich soaking through and you have no free hand with which to use your mobile to locate your friend.

The woman in green has all of these exciting decisions still in front of her.

Headspace

There must be more to this life than the simplistic monotony presented today. What may be found in the thoughts, actions, and souls of strangers may either reveal the conditioned beliefs of prejudice or a vast limitless ocean of brooding fuel for the mind.

The feeling of despair and acceptance for mere existence, as opposed to the exhilaration of living, can be the final chapter that concludes with a lost empty soul of pain and suffering deep within a fucked up mind.

The purpose of being is the purpose of living. The mind is another world that needs to be explored. Never neglect the person you know you need to become, never.

Always follow your heart, fuck those that tell you otherwise. Never succumb to the mindset of the boring masses that simply waste their lives.

The belief that there is nothing to break us free from what is presented to us, is merely a lack of belief in ourselves to achieve the dreams and goals that constantly bounce around in our heads.

The soul is strong and if nurtured like a child, will lead us to confidence and understanding of a world we want to create for ourselves, not one that is presented to us by moronic greedful power-hungry leaders.

Create your own world, step into your own headspace........

©1999 - J. Honeybrook

______________________________________________

I wrote the above on a train journey home from work several years ago. It also become a monotone vocal overdub for the closing track to the Sevenlives album, "7L" released in 2000.

Another Coffee

Is this a commercial?

Another coffee, and a new day bring new strangers to surround me, becoming part of my life. For the next 30 minutes these people are all that I have in life. I can of course get out my mobile phone and pretend to have friends that are just "not here yet" like many others do, however I prefer to just be in the moment and absorb all that is on offer.

I am not embarrassed to be on my own in a coffee shop. In fact I often prefer it this way. I believe my senses are much more alert when I am alone. I will probably never see most of these people again as long as I live, and maybe even if I do, it wont register that we have shared this experience before.

I remembered to get my frequent sipper card clipped this time, so my next coffee here is free. Damn the girls are cute that work here. I am sure that is no coincidence on the employer's part. It is weird how attractive people can probably make or break a retail environment like this cafe. If the staff here were below attractive for example, drinkers would likely go elsewhere for their little caffeine hit. When you think about it, you rarely see an ugly waitress. Seems the media has a lot to answer for in regards to what we expect from our society.

Today I am surrounded by only a handful of fellow customers. Sitting next to me is a table of two couples, probably 50-something and it appears they have segregated themselves into the time honoured male and female sides of conversation. The two men are chatting to each other and the two females are chatting to one another. Phrases that drift over from them include; "Christmas" , "Poor Cheryl", "Preacher said.." and "Tarpaulin??".

One of the men is shaking the bejesus out of his "sweet'n'low" sachet like he's trying to kill some sort of small rodent. Now he's sipping coffee from his plastic spoon. How decadent. "Church", "salesman", "$5 for Petrol", "Credit Card", "arrears". Odd words drifting from their table that must somehow piece together in the two seperate conversations going on. "Church" - AGAIN!!!!
Not much else really to take in today. I'm sitting at the front of the store by the window, but facing towards the rest of shop and the back wall.

The cute staff girls are chatting. "He gets his license next week", "assignment", and "Idol" are words that drift from their direction. They are mostly out of earshot, so only very loud words or outbursts of laughter carry to where I am sitting. They seem to be having fun whilst it is not so busy in the store.

The damn churchgoers are passing judgement on somebody they all seem to know. "Apparently he's unemployed", "Oh he's probably into crime then". Why do they have such narrow minds? Is it force fed to them by their upbringing, church or the media or a combination of all of these things?

There is an old woman down the back on her own, reading, sipping coffee and eating a cake of some sort. She seems to be enjoying a peaceful moment on her own. I wonder what her life has to offer her, is she married or does she live alone? Is this her way of not feeling trapped inside her own solitary existence by getting out and being amongst others or is she just simply spending a moment away from her life partner?

Every mind in this room has a totally different life story that has led them to this very moment in their life sitting in a small coffee shop enjoying a legal drug that helps us relax. I would love to tune into the old woman's thoughts just for a minute to see what is happening in her world. Not to be nosy, but simply to experience it from a different vantage point just momentarily. I am sure her thoughts are vastly different to mine, however they are just as relevant, just as interesting and probably at times just at dull as my thoughts. Good for her.

The girls are still chatting and laughing with each other. The damn Christians are still talking their crap "Well Paul's a catholic apparently", "blah blah fucking blah".

I wonder if I fit into this scene. So far I have just been an extra in it. A cameo if I will. They don't even realise I have an active part in their little Sunday afternoon scene. They are oblivious to the fact that what they are nonchalantly saying is in fact giving me quite an insight into their existence and the sort of people they are.

A little girl has just walked in and past me with her Dad. She is happy and bouncing along in the way only an innocent child can. She is someone who is trouble free and still relatively untainted by societies demands and expectations. She has the most amazingly beautiful big blue eyes that are literally lighting up the room and causing anyone she looks at to smile back at her. She is maybe 5, but don't quote me, I'm not very good at ages. I have little to no experience when it comes to children.

She walks up to the counter with her Dad and one of the teenage girls starts talking to her. They are too far away for me to hear, but plenty of smiles all round. A happy background scene for today's cafe experience.

My thoughts are suddenly torn away from the little girl and her infectious smile as I hear the phrases "All Christians will be forgiven", and "Non believers will be persecuted" drift across from the table of judging Christians. God damn those narrow minded freaks really have it in for someone. Why are they so narrow minded? Why cant they just let others be who and what they want to be? I really am sick of the way these people are towards others. They are supposed to be compassionate towards others. I should really say something to them.

I turn to a new page in my journal and start to write a note that I wish I was brave enough to actually give to them, but I know that I wont. At least I will get it off my chest if I write it down. The note goes something like this:

"Differences in religious beliefs and not being accepting of others views is what has made this world so fucked in so many ways. Why do you need to be so judgmental and narrow minded towards others just because of their beliefs?

I DO NOT believe in God, but that doesn't make me a bad person. You do believe in God's existence. Good for you. I mean that. If it gives you purpose and makes you a better person towards others then that is great, but not everyone has to believe it. Each person finds his or her own beliefs and it is the right one for them.

Nobody has the right to judge others.

A book, The Book, based on many 2000 year old roughly and poorly translated 'stories' does not give me the answers I need to guide me through life.

Love and compassion can only ever come from the heart, and this is all that matters."

I tear the note from my journal and fold it into quarters and write "for your discussion" on it, as if I were going to give it to the group of judgmental Christians at the table next to me. I close my journal and put it into my backpack, then stand up to leave. I give a glance back down the shop to the girls behind the counter.

As I walk towards the door, I pause at the side of the table where the Christians are sitting, and guess what? I hand my note to one of them and leave without looking back.

A snippet of mediocrity

Today has been somewhat boring.

Got up around 10am, showered, ate breakfast, brushed teeth, then out the door, iPod in hand, headphones in ears, british 80's music playing (for some strange reason - today was the smiths turn to bombard my aural senses on the bus to work), so get off bus, quick walk to the coffee shop, chat to my friend who proceeds to make my coffee (alas i chose the soy option), then stumble up the lane, into the foyer and into the elevator up to

my floor.

Currently work for me consists of several mid "twenties" aged colleagues filed neatly into workstation cubicles, answering or making calls to various strangers in the community who have some vague connection with what my company does to make money. Luckily these days i am a supervisor so dont actually make or take many calls, so that eases the numbness on the mind somewhat. Today my team is only 6 people strong, sometimes it can be up to 50 or 60. Our "Callcentre" (buzzword of this mellenium) runs 'campaigns" of various lengths, using various amounts of "temps". I prefer to call them people, but management like the word temps. I decided to join in on their buzzwords and offerred to use the term "minions", but management declined.

So I get to my desk, logon to my phone so they actually know i am at work. Apparently they judge whether you are at work by a 5 digit code on a report, rather than if they see you around the office, or better still at my desk. I proceedto login to my pc so I can check my emails and plan my working attack and how to use my "temps" today to get the best "productivity" (another great buzzword of the call centre world) from them.

So i plan my day as i sip my coffee and "analyse" the stats of the previous days work (being saturday - today is Monday). Nothing exciting going on really. Make pleasant smiles and nods to colleagues and get things ready for my temps when they arrive in an hour.

After 2 hours of "working" I announce to my staff that it is time for their break (really i am just dying to get another coffee and some fresh air). I quickly exit the callcentre and beeline for the elevators to descend back into the real world (well the Central Business District of Sydney anyhow) to get my second (and final) coffee for the day.

So back to coffee shop, same order, same Barrista, same iPod tunes, til i change and listen to some Muse. Coffee finished, i stroll back to work 10 mins later and return to office mode.

The rest of the day goes by uneventfully til the majority of the workers leave at 5pm. Unfortunately my staff and I are here for another 3 hours yet.

So this has been my day so far..............

3 & a half minutes of life

The first thing I notice is the taste in my mouth. This is something I never thought about. Something that never really crossed my mind, when playing this scene over and over in my mind throughout my lifetime.

Most of my thoughts I guess were always of post event scenarios or the actual moment it occurred, but never the minutes or so beforehand.

The adrenalin is something that I also never expected, it is such a buzz, such a searing feeling. I really cannot describe what it is like. I thought I had felt adrenalin before in my life, but I was totally wrong. Previous experiences were a mere rise in emotion or excitement, whereas this now is adrenalin, pure and unadulterated.

I clearly remember the process of getting to this point. Locating the pieces, assembling them, checking the equipment. Holding it and getting used to how it feels.
 
So here I am..... Ready....... Maybe.....

It all starts to play in front of me as I sit on the floor and ready myself for whatever comes now. Playing as a child, for some reason only the dark memories are visiting today, I can remember nothing that is good, even though i know there has been much that has been. Why does the mind work this way? Why does my mind work this way? Is it my mind that is dragging me to this conclusion or is it the conclusion dragging my thoughts to conform? Perhaps I will never know the answer to that one.

I am wearing a pair of jeans and nothing else, not even underwear beneath. My head is freshly shaven this morning and as usual I have not yet eaten anything today even though it's mid afternoon. Fairly usual for me. Food is such a chore, I eat really only when my body insists I do so, whenever I actually get that nauseating feeling in my stomach.

Currently I am not working. I'm taking a self imposed break between jobs. I have enough money saved to keep me for a few months, so I am reflecting on life and the direction (if any) I wish to take now. All of my friends have normal Monday to Friday 'day' jobs, so I am mostly currently spending the time alone, at least til evening anyhow. Today is no different.

How has life transported me to this exact moment in my life? I have no idea. I don't think I even really want to think about that or uncover the endless decisions that led me here. Here is where I am, and what I will face.

I'm not even sitting in my room. I'm on the floor of my flatmates room. The only reason I am here is because the items I need are located here. They shouldn't be but they are. I had to assemble it and hunt down a few parts, but that took only a few minutes. Some people hide things in the most obvious places.

My teen years roll across the movie screen of my conscious now and again I see nothing I really enjoyed much. Friends long since faded away into the reality of a life far from me, school classes i hated, and dark moments that i cannot forget and that are all too similar to this moment right now.

What will happen after this. Who cares. Whatever happens next is better than what has happened up until now. Perhaps I will meet new people, maybe a totally different outlook on everything, maybe a totally different perspective. I can only hope.

I start to see images of my recent years drift through my visual senses - loves lost and faded, dreams crushed or fallen to the wayside, and a future too boring to contemplate. The metallic taste in my mouth yanks me back to my current situation. I look down towards my lap where my hands hold the recently assembled and loaded rifle, bolt cocked, bullets scattered on the floor, my thumb poised on the trigger. Less than 3mm seperates me from this physical world and whatever comes next.

The adrenalin is amazing....................

Coffee Shop

Is this real? Am I alone or are we all connected in this life?

Here I am standing in the confines of a neatly constructed existence, waiting in a queue at the counter of a large chain coffee shop.

Bombarded by all the fanciful options on the menu board above me, cakes neatly stacked within glass displays, lit from above by the ghastly fluorescent lights conveniently sheltered by little covers to protect our eyes from the glare.

So many options. So many choices. Just to order I have to wade through the mental dilemma of which coffee. White? Black? Soy? Tall? Long? Regular? Cream? Flavour? Hot? Cold? Now what about food? Cake? Bread? Toast? Pie? Hot? Cold? Is this dinner or just a snack?

Okay, I'll have a long black and, hmmm what shall I eat, Banana Bread? Yeah, no hang on Raisin Toast, yeah that's it. That's what I feel like. Now, how much will that be? Lets see $2.50 for the coffee and $3.00 for the Raisin Toast. Okay that's $5.50. Better check my wallet for cash before I get to the register to order. The last thing I want is to get there and feel all embarrassed trying to add up my coins in front of the others in the queue.

Jesus, how long is that guy going to take ordering. Why cant people make up their mind before they get to the register so they don't hold us all up?

Okay lets see, $5.50. I start to add the coins that are in my wallet. Damn I only have $4.80 in change and I really wanted to get rid of that. I hate the weight of so many coins in my wallet. Okay so I'll have to use the ten-dollar note. Damn that means even more coins when I get change. They better give me two-two dollar coins and a fifty. I don't think I can fit any more into my wallet. Maybe I don't really need the raisin toast? I am a little hungry though and probably won't eat again for a few hours.

Finally that guy has finished ordering. Good on you Geoff, about time. He doesn't really look like a Geoff to me. Hey I might use a different name today when I order. That will make it at least a little less monotonous. What name should I use? How about Joey? Yeah that sounds cool. Just need to remember which name I gave to them for when they call out my order.

Wow. That girl serving is cute. She looks about 19 or 20 though. Too young for me I guess? Who says? Hmmm. Probably have nothing in common with her anyway. Man there's heaps of people in queue now. Glad I got here when I did.

Okay cool my turn to order.

"Hi, How can I help you? Hey she has a cute voice also."

"Hi, could I have a long black, and some Raisin toast thanks".

"Anything else sir?", "No that's all thanks"

" Can I take a name to go with your order?"

"Yeah, Joey"

"Okay, that's $5.50."

"Thanks" I hand her the ten dollar note. "That's $4.50 change sir, we'll call your name when the order is ready".

"Thanks" As she places the change into my hand I notice that it is two-two dollar coins and a fifty-cent piece.

Excellent.

Wow, she is cute.

She starts to serve the person in line behind me as I move away from the counter putting the change into my wallet. Damn, forgot to get my frequent sipper card stamped. That was my tenth coffee too, so my next one would have been free. Now I'll have to buy a coffee on the way to the station tomorrow and I just had enough coins to buy my train ticket to Mums. I'll have to break one of my twenty dollar notes now. Damn it. Even more coins.

I look around for somewhere to sit. There's a family at the front of the store on the comfy couches, so that's not an option. It's too cold outside. I could sit near the tables on the windows that overlook the lane, but that's right near where everyone orders and I always feel like the customers in line are staring at me eating. The tables at the back are full, damn it. Oh hang on that couple is leaving in the corner, Excellent.

I move to the table in the corner that has a prime view back down the length of the shop. I can see all that happens from here. I like to just sit and watch life happen. It's also a great vantage point to check out any girls that wonder in. I think I'll write in my journal.

I get my journal out and vaguely hear " Joey, long black and Raisin toast"

Oh, that's me, sweet - coffee. I almost forgot the name I gave to the cute girl serving for my order.

I get up and collect my coffee and toast from yet another cute girl, and return to my little prime positioned corner spot and place my coffee, raisin toast, plastic spoon and butter tub on the table.

I sit down and butter my toast and look up at the small gathering of strangers that have become my fellow customers and for this little moment in out lives, we all have something in common. It may only be the fact that we are relaxing, enjoying a coffee, but it is a shared experience none-the-less.

Now that coffee machine really is loud. Okay, that's it, out comes the Discman. Headphones in, press play. Ahhh, that's better than that damn coffee machine. Now all but the loudest of coffee shop noises is blocked from my senses. The occasional plate being dropped heavily in the kitchen can be heard, but the music is mostly keeping out the noise.

A screaming little kid bursts through the musical soundtrack to my coffee experience. I look up. Oh great the people at the table just next to me are getting up to leave and a women with her screaming kid is bee lining straight for it. Just great. Damn it, she has a friend with her with yet another screaming kid.

I reach into my pocket to turn the volume up slightly on my Discman. As I look up I notice the girl currently placing an order at the counter is very cute indeed.

I start to write in my journal as I sip my coffee, take a bite of my raisin toast and listen to my music. Not a bad way to finish the working week I guess.

As I finish my snack and sip the last of my coffee, I look around. The shop is fairly empty now. Maybe only 10 people other than the staff are scattered around at various tables and couches.

I watch the others all around me go through what I have just been through. Or do they? Maybe they don't think of it on that level. Perhaps they are simply thinking about what they will be doing on the weekend, or what time they need to be home in order to get ready to go out tonight. Maybe they're lucky and to them it's just ordering a goddamn coffee.

Ok, should I have another coffee? Nah, the cute girl just left anyhow.

This is what went through my mind during a small twenty-minute window of my life one Friday evening. I wonder if I were separate to the events that were taking place in the cafe or if I was connected totally with everything that was occurring?

Were we all playing part in a larger objective in life?

Synchronicity

Is life random or do the choices we make, even the tiniest ones, create the path we wanted from the very beginning?

What makes us decide in the end? Every decision we make is based on how we feel at the time. This raises the thought that perhaps our moods are coming from our higher spiritual level/conscience, so that we are put in the correct frame of mind to make the decision that will put us on the right path for our chosen life. It will present us with the right synchronistic events at exactly the precise time we need them to enter our life.

Perhaps when we aren't connected to our higher spiritual conscience we miss these synchronistic moments and as such they will represent themselves at another time.

This means the butterfly effect of our decisions are not set. Therefore there is no direct fate for us, only a potential goal.

How do we tune into what our potential goal is?

Finding what i really need

What is life? Does it just fill the gaps between birth and death? Is it meant to be active? Is this just another phase i finding what i really need? Do i remember past lives?

Sometimes i wonder if i am doing what i wanted to do with this life. I feel i have wasted many years to date, but then that may in fact all be a part of the awakening process for me.

Can life be over analysed? Under analysed? Wasted?

Perhaps it is an exploration, like any physical journey. The road has many sidetracks that can be taken and they themselves may reveal the most amazing scenery or experiences like meeting new people and connecting with them.

I often ponder on why some people make such a positive impact on our lives. What is it that makes them special, that connects with us at such a deep level, inspires and touches us?

Perhaps we aren't meant to know what it is, but i doubt it. Perhaps in fact it may be the essence of how we are meant to exist and we have just forgotten somewhere in the last 100,000 years or so.

Animals seem to connect in a way that most (civilized) humans cannot. They seem to just understand. They know where they fit into the scheme of things. We on the other hand are so caught up in what to do to fill our time, how to earn our money, how to find a partner, how to impress ourselves into this world.

Are we too knowledgable for our own good? Surely we can learn to rise above all of this.

Thought patterns

Why do we use certain phrases in this life to respond in conditioned ways to situations and people? We learn phrases as we grow up, such things as 'in this day and age' and we just regurgitate them script like when our minds are triggered by conversations or actions of others.

Now is it really our true response to something? The same can be said for racism or in fact discrimination of any sort. My thoughts on this topic are that we only ever learn discrimination through the actions and thoughts of others, most likely people such as our peers, parents, or colleagues. Once we hear something enough times we start to beleive it, even if it's at a subconscious level. We must actively think and act against these thought patterns to find what we truely believe.

Conditioning by exposure throughout life causes much hatred and is a very dangerous thing for the mind. It seems to cloud our souls real beliefs. I firmly believe that at the centre of our being, our true soul, we have no hatred or fears and we will accept each other totally. Skin color, geographical location, religious beliefs are all irrelevant.

It is the conditioning that makes a soul a hateful or aggressive person. I think in the western world we spend far too much time educating our children on issues in this physical world & how to understand and manipulate them to your best advantage. The spiritual world seems to be seen or thought of as an escape from reality. How wrong this view is, it is the physical world that is not reality & is in fact the escape.

Our point of perspective

I believe that every soul is intertwined, in every way possible. We are all part of one large energy source which is the universe. It has no boundaries either, no limits. Thus far in life we have only been able to grasp the levels that are at each extreme, labelled by us as 'The Universe' and at the other extreme 'Nanoparticles or Nannobacteria'.

We all experience the ebb and flow of energy at the larger scale that is (as we currently know it) the universe, but it is infinately large and infinately small so there are no boundaries to it.

Think of it this way; that each tiny cell or electron or whatever in our own body goes about its own little existence intermingling with other cells etc, sometimes fighting with them, sometimes working with them, yet they may be unaware that combined they make up what we refer to as 'us' - our self, our body, but really we are made up of tiny little particles that each do their own little thing. We are not really our own seperate self, we are everything that goes into making us, all of these cells and molecules.

Wouldn't it then also make sense that we (as in our perceived self) are tiny little particles that make up again a much larger 'individual', perhaps a galaxy, or more likley something we are not even aware of. Think that perhaps from a different viewpoint our planet may be like a tiny molecule making up a much larger being, probably best described as a much larger energy, which really is all a human is, a form of energy that is just taking its current shape.

I think it would be ignorant and totally self absorbed for us to think we are indeed the centre of all of this rather than just a tiny 'one of a trillion' fragment that is somehow totally necessary and a significantly important part of a single infinite energy.

Therefore we really may be connected to and infact be everything. We are the white blood cell in our stomach, we are our heart, we are our body, we are our planet, we are the sun, we are the universe, we are everything.

Think of this; Our current human body is totally new every 7 years or so. So if i look at my brother now, even though he appears to be the same person, every single cell i am looking at and recognise was not there 7 years ago. That energy has gone elsewhere in life and the new cells are new energy that came from somewhere else, perhaps from a rabbits leg, perhaps from a nigerians heart, perhaps from the dust on Pluto. Perhaps from somewhere we are not even aware of.